Twilight mania, Breaking it Down: The Cost of Being a Vampire

By November 17, 2011 January 2nd, 2020 No Comments

Halloween and Day of the Dead may have passed, but that doesn’t mean vampires, werewolves and other celebrities of the undead slink away back into the shadows for another year.

If current pop culture is to be believed as a scientific indicator, dental implants london, vampires are finally stepping out for their moment in the sun — the metaphorical sun, of course. The first installment of “Breaking Dawn,” a two-part film adapting the final story in the “Twilight” saga premieres this month, sending tweens and unabashed adults alike into full vampire feeding frenzy.

Finding out more about the daily, um, “lives” of vampires is of course easier said than done. As any 12-year-old or mom can tell you, vampires thrive in the night. Although romantic novel accounts are a bit conflicting, the general consensus is that they have chiseled or voluptuous features, a charmingly detached issue with staring, and they would never, ever hurt Bella. Well, Edward certainly wouldn’t anyway. Dashing, fanged movie star or not, the logistics of being a vampire in this day and age certainly can’t come easily — or cheaply, for that matter. Dracula would spin in his coffin if he saw how much it costs to dress as dapperly as a vampire must or get a good day’s sleep.

Those Fangs Won’t Clean Themselves

Vampires may be able to take a bullet just fine, but unfortunately for many of them, gingivitis doesn’t care if you’re 40 years old or 800, and fangs don’t brush themselves.cosmetic dentist London

If a few years of lax flossing leaves you squirming in the dentist’s chair, imagine what a few centuries of haphazard dental hygiene will do. Spring a cavity in one of those teeth, and a vampire may as well get a wooden stake to the gums.

It would take several hundred yards of dental floss per month ($30) plus a specially designed toothbrush for dogs ($50) just to adequately clean those enormous canine teeth. Of course, as everyone who knows anything about vampires knows, vampires’ fangs detract when they’re relaxed and going about their daily errands. You don’t have to be a dentist to recognize the host of gum-infection risks this presents. Even the best dental plans wouldn’t fully cover that sort of disaster, leaving a vampire out up to $5,000 every several years to get those evil ivories reconstructed.

In the end, basic — albeit humiliating — caps may be necessary. The self-proclaimed “Vampire’s Dentist” will provide most variations of fangs at a reasonable cost, including the top-of-the-line “Interview with the Vampire” set for only $40, excluding shipping. Did we mention he’s based in South Africa?

Sleep is For the Living

Vampires are awfully cavalier about their sleeping arrangements. It seems that in most accounts, they are quickly exasperated when they have to explain yet again to a mortal person that — if they do sleep at all — they must sleep during the daylight hours. Nowadays, thankfully, there are blackout curtains to help with that…Old-school vampires understandably insist on sleeping in the confines of a coffin, which would regularly cost about $2,000. For vampires who dwell in the south, outfitting their coffin with air-conditioning for the summer months will total $7,200. And if they wanted to go all out in typical vampire fashion, they can sleep in the same coffin design that James Brown and Michael Jackson used. At $25,000, the velvet interior will ensure complete comfort while the gold-plated exterior ensures your coffers are as deep as your sleep.

When’s Dinner?

Obviously, the vampires of today are barely recognizable from the vampires of legend. The characters of “Twilight” and HBO’s “True Blood” are more likely to grace the covers of Esquire than to haunt your dreams…Read more

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